Thanks, But No Thanks—Decoding the Graceful Decline

Warren Buffett famously said that successful people say "no" to almost everything. Whether it's his investment acumen or boundary-setting skill that made him successful is up for debate - but I don't doubt that the principle stands.

In a world where time is scarce and demands are relentless, saying “no” is a superpower. Yet, many of us find it difficult to wield. We want to be agreeable, helpful, and non-confrontational.  And so, we say “yes” when we mean “not really,” or “maybe” when we mean “no.”

I think that there is much to learn in delivering an elegant "no" - especially as practiced by women, who often excel at declining with dignity, warmth, and clarity.

Take this example: I once suggested a brilliant young engineer attending a semiconductor networking event on behalf of her company. She is technically sharp, articulate, and has a unique 'cool' style that I thought may resonate with young women engineers considering a career in semiconductors.

Her response?

"I absolutely would, but I am quite busy tomorrow."

No "no" in sight. Yet, the message was unmistakable. The phrase "absolutely would" adds a touch of gratitude and enthusiasm, while "busy tomorrow" gently closes the door. Masterful.

Another time, I encouraged a talented PhD candidate to submit a poster to an upcoming conference. Her reply?

"I think I am intending to have a poster for LateThisYearConference.

Ah, the magic of “I think I am intending.” It’s a soft hedge, a gentle redirection, and a subtle no—all wrapped in academic ambiguity.

Much later, a brilliant young lady I know broke down her approach to declining invitations into three elegant components :

1. The Appreciation :
   1. "That event sounds amazing."
   2. "Thank you so much for thinking to invite me."
   3. "I appreciate the invitation."
2. The Decline :
   1. "I am really sad that I’ll have to miss out due to a prior commitment."
   2. "Unfortunately/Regrettably, I will not be able to attend."
   3. "Unfortunately, my schedule is full."
   4. This isn’t quite aligned with my focus area/area of interest [if a professional event]
3. The Positive Close :
   1. "I’d love to be considered for the next event."
   2. "Thanks again for thinking of me/thinking to invite me"
   3. "Hope the event goes well."
   4. "Excited to hear how the event goes."
   5. "However, person x may be interested" [only if you genuinely think they would be - don't throw them under the bus]

The key? Don’t explain your other commitment. Once you reveal it, you invite negotiation: “Can’t you reschedule?” “Is this event less important?” “You can sleep on the weekend!” Keeping it vague preserves your boundary - and peace, she says.

So next time you hear :

“I absolutely would, but…”

Smile. You’re about to witness a masterclass in the art of saying no.

And if you’ve spotted other elegant ways people say “no,” let me know. I’ll update this post. No names mentioned, of course.